Three weeks ago Luis Rubiales kissed Spanish footballer Jenni Hermoso on the lips after Spain’s World Cup win. Hermoso has filed a legal complaint against Rubiales for sexual assault and coercion. Rubiales has finally resigned but continues to insist that the kiss was consensual…
Consent requires a sensitive ‘touch-ometer’
I was brought up in a non-touchy-feely family. We didn’t hug or kiss. I left home as a slightly autistic, Christian 18-year-old. There were clear rules for touching women – don’t! I’d learnt to shake hands, but wasn’t sure when that was an appropriate form of greeting. I lived in my own personal space.
I had a sensitive underused touch-ometer.
For decades in school and church I’ve been involved in safeguarding training. I’ve been taught and understood that consent…
…is an active, personal, voluntary choice.
…is taken by people who understand the nature and implications of the activity they’re agreeing to, and have the capacity to give their agreement.
…cannot be inferred, assumed, or gained by coercion, exploitation, threat or fear…
I’ve supported those who have spoken out, supporting abused women and children. Touch-ometer rules are clearly set out. I like rules.
Touch-ometer rules in British society have become blurred in recent years. Handshakes have been replaced by hugs; social media encourages public expressions of friendship and love. There are different codes for different situations.
…Church presents a wide range of acceptable touch-ometer rules. Paul’s encouragement to ‘Greet one another with a holy kiss’ moves from being a joke to a confusing excuse.
As a sociable, older man, I’m regularly challenged… With insufficient physical touch I’m cold and uncaring; with too much, I’m a dirty old man. I must understand ‘consent’ at the same time as being loving and warm.
I return to ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud…’ I remember that the important thing is to be loving; there are many ways to express that love whilst maintaining my increasingly sensitive touch-ometer.
malcolmsmusings.org 
I am particular about the ‘Touch-ometer’ since I have a daughter. I am strict in that regard, and she knows it. I have rules. Just like you, we were not brought up in a touchy-feely family. But I brought up my daughter full of hugs and kisses, only with me, especially since I am a single mom and have been separated for more than 10 years now. Nowadays, my mother is starting to say ‘I love you’ in text messages and when talking to us over the phone, and it feels awkward because we’re not used to her being like that. But I and my siblings try to respond to her in the best way we can so as not to make her feel sad and distant.
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Thanks Adel. I really appreciate your response
I agree that it is so important for children to know what is appropriate and what isn’t. I think there is a gender issue – what is appropriate for you and your daughter with good men/ boys that you know. I think there is also a generational issue – from what you say your mother is from a similar generation to me – and we’re having to learn new rules of appropriateness!
I hope and pray that all stays good for you and your daughter.
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Yes, being cautious around men/boys. Ah, generational issue – I believe that’s the right term! Thank you, Malcolm!
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Malcolm, I understand! Although my parents were overly “huggy”, my twin and I are huggers. However, through my career I learned “appropriate” skills in dealing with students, staff, others…typically I can use cues and clues to know how the other party will react. I’m a fan of a side hug if deemed appropriate. I understand your dilemma of being seen cold or a dirty old man. I must share I have been touched inappropriately, which landed me in the middle of a huge mess when another administrator accused our superior of even more. How did I deal with it? I confronted him, with a witness, and we spoke about his walk with the Lord. His intentions, what he “meant” it to be. I forgave him. The other administrator won half a million dollars. This was a troubling time for me, Malcolm. My health was declining, my career ending because of it, my husband wanted a divorce (I was losing a huge salary to take care of my health). For a young gal, I’ve experienced much. I believe we can use our own voices, God-directed with reprimand, to speak our truth. To define our limitations. I’m not talking about a forced and physical attempt that requires more action, but boundaries, based on the truth and the feelings that God puts in our hearts. I chose to forgive. I understand situations can be much worse. I won’t go into detail on that, but I had a bit of an experience there. Most young students loved hugs! I was a good side hugger! I would even ask, “How do you feel about hugs?” We became great fist-bumpers in later years! I think true love, Christ’s love, can be felt in a fist bump, handshake, and a genuine greeting! God bless you for sharing! My apologies for such a long response!
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Please don’t apologise, Karla
Thanks very much for sharing some of your story. I am so conscious that so many have stories – childhood memories that have affected their whole lives; others have incidents from later in life that have scarred them. Some are very public stories, some very private, but all have shaped lives. I would never wish to diminish the impact of such negative experiences.
I’ve got no dramatic story, but the whole issue still affects me. The ‘genuine greeting’ is about my integrity – which is important. Rubiales and your experience highlight the men who get it wrong… I think I would want to speak up for the men who want to get it right.
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Thank you, Malcolm. How kind to say. Our experiences definitely shape who we are. And you would never diminish impacts~that’s not you! I don’t consider myself a victim. I never have! With Christ, we are victors! We are all human. We are all messy. I felt sorry for my superior. “Talking” about my experiences don’t even hurt. For what is life without lessons? It’s all part of the human experience! You speak wonderfully for those who want to get it right. And I believe there are more who do than don’t! Happy Wednesday! May today, like each, be blessed. 🙏🏻
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Smiling, engaging eye contact, and/or a firm handshake. That speaks volumes.
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Thanks, Nancy. You’re right smiling and eye contact are so important, and can never be inappropriate. Reading what is best that should come next is a skill I’m still learning… my prejudice says that it is easier for women than men, who often have less social awareness or emotional maturity. Big generalisations I know, but I don’t think boys are taught so well…
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bullseye’d it again Malcom… it’s a generational thing. I was lucky to be brought up by loving parents with too many hugs from my mum… (How I miss them now!) So this knee-jerk reaction is a minefield for me as well; albeit from the opposite side of the spectrum to yours
I can’t be asking if I may hold another person’s arm while giving a handshake or wrapping my arms around a pal or a good person who’s in need of a hug! As you’ve pointed out, this is a consensual thing, but I have to be more than aware of body language (to make up for my lack of not being a mind reader…)
In conclusion, to make a short reply LOOOONG, once more I identified with all your musingss
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Great to hear from you, Graham. I join you in your inability to be a good, consistent mind reader – particularly with folks I don’t know. As I’ve suggested… most of what is written is about women and children who have been treated badly by abusive men. I’m writing on behalf of good men who want to get it right!
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hear hear!!
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I also grew up in a family, and extended family, of non-huggers. I knew my parents and grandparents loved me, but touching and hugging wasn’t part of the bargain. Frankly, my mother meant the world to me. I loved her more than anyone else on earth, but I can’t recall truly hugging her, even once. Today, I hug my wife, and a few motherly older ladies at church, but that’s about it. I’m the same way with eye contact; my family didn’t make too much of that either. It’s comforting to know there are others on the low end of the touch-o-meter spectrum.
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I think, David, I’m concluding that I’d be very happy to stay at that low end if the rules hadn’t changed, giving different people different unspoken expectations…
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Thanks for allowing Yr touch o metre yo hug me. I remember our first ever hug how I never expected it…that was the day I knew I could trust that u cared. Also growing up in a no I love u cuddly house and same in adulthood in my family I through treatment for anorexia have found the necessity and joy of pure innocent cuddles if reassuring I care for yous. Thanks gor allowing ur uncomfortable hugging to allow u to hug Mr its always awkward because if my shortness but there’s always a way! I’m glad hod has opened your arms as well as ur heart..
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Thanks, Kim. As always you are a special case! With all of the stuff you have been through over the years, travelling with you, you have taught me a lot about open arms and an open heart. Thank you.
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